And I got my first taste of that yesterday afternoon... (more on that, in a minute)
Quivering
Unlike last time though, I scanned for my friends names... so many made the pitch round... and on that young adult list, I didn't see ONE. Nobody else made it. Still making my eyes sting. How is that possible? I mean I GET that the lists had to each be narrowed from 1000 to 250 and that is a lot of people, but I just expected... company...
I know. That's silly. And there is crap-shoot to this—particularly for genre fiction writers, as most people have a couple genres they just won't read, and given 4 reviewers in two rounds, odds of hitting ONE that doesn't read what you write (especially for sci fi, romance, adult fantasy... I just think those are genres people like or don't). Last time I was a little sad because... you know... only half my friends made it through... this time, I had to go to the adult list before I recognized names.
I guess my point is, it feels a little desolate... like I'm headed off on a journey without benefit of a guide whose been there before... So that is weird.
Quality
I thought though, the main thing I wanted to share with you was the two vine reviews on my excerpt. You may or may not have seen these before... but being me, I can't leave well enough alone, so I am also going to address what they say section by section (in purple)
What is the strongest aspect of this excerpt?
The opening as it gradually reveals Helen, who she is, how she died and what is going on around her is quite gripping. It will catch and hold the reader's attention, keeping them turning pages to find out just a bit more. Particularly with a young audience it is important to grab their attention early and hold long enough to draw them into the story. This opening does an excellent job of achieving those goals.
Thank you! I guess I don't know what else to say to that...
What aspect needs the most work?
This might be more effective if it were a bit shorter, not much maybe just 5% or so. At times things were included that didn't really need to be gone into in such detail such as Helen's attempts to contact the woman construction worker. It didn't add to the story to go into so much detail but did slow the narrative down.
This is totally valid. The excerpt has been cleaned twice, once on my own, once after feedback, but I know this is a weakness of mine, so surely my need to include too much isn't completely exorcised until about the 7th draft.
What is your overall opinion of this excerpt?
I really liked this excerpt even though when I first began reading I felt like I had wandered into 'Lovely Bones'. That feeling quickly faded as I continued to read. I particularly liked the scenes concerning setting up the juvenile detention facility. There is potential here for a good novel but it needs work.
Ha! Lovely Bones! There goes my own comparison almost biting me in the butt... glad it segued into fresh soon enough! And 'needs work' would be exactly my assessment... not overhaul, not rewrite, but certainly cleaning...
ABNA Expert Reviewer 2
What is the strongest aspect of this excerpt?
I applaud the idea of being introduced to a new rehabilitation center for troubled youth by a long dead teenage epileptic who killed herself when the building was an asylum for the retarded and insane. Helen's back story is well described and I love that she even has a living niece who takes an interest in her tale and I hope they make contact. I think the author knows something about troubled teens and the present and past treatment of them and can use it well to tell this story.
Helen's niece does, indeed, have an ongoing role, and... does HAVING a teen qualify me? *shifty* though honestly, I think my degrees in psych (BA and MS) indeed give me a fair amount of insight to mental disorders, as does my job, and I do have a lot of teen experience (did I mention a lifetime as a nut magnet? I mean nut in the most loving way, but seriously... I might as well collect crackers), so hopefully I nailed this. Mostly though, this comment makes me hope I come across as worthy when the whole book is out there.
What aspect needs the most work?
The newly introduced character Serena is not very clear and I hope the author does not leave her so ambiguous. I feel like a poorly developed Serena could ruin the story. This sounds picky but I wish the author had picked something that is easy to pronounce than Kahlotus for the name of the town, center and title.
I can promise this. Serena doesn't get short shrift. She is probably my most compelling character--I recognize this... more compelling than a ghost, I swear, but the book is more about Helen responding to and trying to help her, so I was wary of putting her too front heavy (the excerpt only had maybe 3 pages of her (out of I think 24--it was 4,000 words, but in 4 chapters). In reality, she is about a quarter of the PoV and probably HALF of the topic).
As for Kahlotus... it's a real place, which was why I fell in love with it (the hospital on the other hand, is all fiction), but the sign that reads 'Kahlotus Disposal Site' that signals drivers outside Pasco where to turn to head to the middle of nowhere (read: Spokane shortcut) has that written on it. It inspired me as to where to set this book that was only an idea in broad terms (ghost in a reform school). I'm attached to Kahlotus...
What is your overall opinion of this excerpt?
I liked the excerpt a lot and feel it would also be very appealing to the targeted teen audience if the quality continues through the rest of the book.
Again, the... if it continues... if only... I have predicted from the start my next round is my drop--I felt the idea of it could carry the excerpt, even if it wasn't quite polished... I'm not confident it can carry the whole book. (though I confess when I saw who got cut today, I was wiping my brow--some great pieces didn't make it)--but the concept is HIGH... the whole book needs a bit of polishing ...
So there we go... first ever 'official' feedback... I feel okay about it. I feel it was fair and helps... at this point, pointing out what I know, but that's okay too. It helps me trust myself a bit. I saw a few responses that didn't seem so balanced. Understandably, with 2000 entries, not all reviewers will be of the same standard (where the luck bit comes in), but i feel I was treated absolutely fair, and am perfectly content.
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