Hell West

My dream last night began with a college age man sitting in a class for would-be teachers. The students are practice teaching and one young woman first has cake served to the class. Our young man, I’ll call him “hero,” gets a piece of white wedding cake. Class then ends and hero leaves with two female friends, a blonde and a brunette. He is dating the blonde but runs into a female teacher who whispers to him that he should really date the brunette, who is smarter and nicer.

Hero has to go to the bathroom and this is where the weird stuff starts. While in the bathroom, he gets a feeling that something isn’t right. About that time, a dwarf comes in and locks himself in a stall. Then a bag lady he saw outside also wanders in. She starts to flirt and tries to grope him, and he quickly leaves without managing to consummate his bathroom experience.

He goes around the back of the building to urinate but runs into two security guards. He and his two lady friends are then standing next to a railroad car on display behind the building when the sunny sky darkens and a kind of ‘shield’ snaps into place between the three and the outside world. A monstrous shadow starts to rise out of the railroad car, and the two security guards open fire on it. A massive arm with a single huge claw on the end smashes out of the car and crushes the guards. The blonde is also killed and our hero knocked unconscious.

Here it gets really weird, and funny. Our hero wakes up in Hell “West.” Satan has had to abandon the real hell but has set up a little touch of home right on the college campus. He's brought his family with him, 1) a mentally challenged 20 something son who wears a batman mask and cape, 2) a son of about 8 who never says a word, and 3) two twin teenage daughters, one with long and the other with bobbed hair. Hero is being kept because his blood is especially nutritious to the hell-borne. He is told that his brunette friend is alive but being held prisoner to keep him in line.

The long-haired daughter seems the most normal of the family and hero talks a bit to her. She protects him from her short-haired sister who wants to hammer nails into him, and this makes him feel like his best chance of escape is to befriend her. That seems to be working. When the bat masked son wants a snack, the long-haired twin is the one to “bleed” hero into a chalice, but he realizes she's doing it because her sister would hurt him much worse.

Then, Satan offers hero a bet. If he can beat the devil and his family in baseball, they’ll let him go. The young man agrees. The “baseball” is really a hacky-sack, and the bat is a fat red plastic kid’s bat (like my son had). Satan is up first and hero is pitching. Satan gets a hit and his youngest son runs for him. The kid gets on base, but then tries to steal another base and hero tags him out.

The devil fouls the next pitch into the bushes. While hero fetches the ball, the devil brings another player in on his side, a woman who is completely burned black and who stands between our hero and the batter’s box. (Satan refers to the damned as the “Burned ones.”) As our hero pitches, she tries to knock the ball away, and if she succeeds it is called a foul.

Unfortunately, I woke up before the game could finish so I don’t know if our hero escaped. I’m thinking his chances aren’t too good. What do you think?
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