When I started practicing Buddhism, I had one goal.  I wanted to attain enlightenment.  I wanted the spiritual maturity, unshakable confidence, and endless calm that I envisioned the Buddha having 2,600 years ago.  

I spent endless hours scouring the internet and pouring through books in search of a Buddhist school to dedicate myself to.  Eventually, I settled on Zen because it seemed like the most direct, no-nonsense approach.  

I practiced faithfully for several years, and I slowly started to make progress.  My mind became calmer, my heart became gentler, and the world didn't seem like such a dark place.  But I didn't feel any closer to enlightenment.  

Then I heard the practice described as walking through a fog, and suddenly realizing that you're soaking wet.  That seemed logical.  Buddha practiced for 6 years before having his awakening under the Bodhi tree, so why should I be any different?  I just needed to sit, and keep sitting until something "clicked" and my enlightenment bell rang like an egg timer.

I continued happily on this path until last year when I had a crisis of faith.

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The more I studied Buddhism, the more I learned about Buddhist teachers.  And the more I learned about Buddhist teachers, the less I liked what I saw.  

To be fair, no religious institution is free of scandal.  Both the protestant and catholic churches have faced their share of issues over the years, and it was unfair of me to expect Buddhism to be different... but I did.

I thought that a fully enlightened person would be different.  I thought they would be immune to petty human weakness.  But based on all of the sex scandals, sectarianism, and outright bullying some teachers engaged in, I realized that enlightened men and women are just as messed up as everyone else.

To be clear, I'm not talking about some yahoo who dropped acid, saw pretty lights, and then gave himself a Dharma name to mark the occasion.  

These were individuals with impeccable Zen Buddhist credentials.

They'd sat all the necessary retreats, served in the appropriate temple positions, and gave the right answers for koans until their enlightenment was recognized in an established Zen lineage.  But that didn't stop them from abusing their students, or stealing from congregants, or being cruel in other ways.

What good is enlightenment, if it doesn't stop you from hurting people?

I pondered this question for many months.  I almost quit Buddhist practice altogether when I couldn't find an answer.  But I stuck with it because the benefits of seated meditation were real and concrete even if the benefits of enlightenment were not.

These days, I no longer believe that enlightenment can be attained.  To be clear, I do believe in the inherent enlightenment that all beings possess as a result of their Buddha-nature.  But there's no enlightened state that Zen Buddhist priests possess, which makes them better, and more capable than the rest of us.

Rather, my experience has been that the practice makes our minds more clear, and it helps us to see the consequences of our actions more clearly.  This in turn allows us to make smarter, more compassionate decisions.  

Additionally, Zen teachers who have been practicing the Way for many years can give us instruction in much the same way that a personal trainer can teach us how to use weights in the gym.  

But that doesn't change the fact that they're flawed human beings; not gods.

And we should take everything they say with several grains of salt.  After all, being able to see the negative consequences of our actions is no guarantee that we'll make the right decision; thus the scandals that plague some Buddhist communities.  

That being said, I'm confident that if we all practice hard enough, there will come a day when our spiritual awakening is stronger than our collective human weakness.

On that day, we'll have no need for nonsense words like enlightenment.

Namu Amida Butsu

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